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New Year’s Resolutions!

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Before you say anything this isn’t an article about them that would be too late. This article is inspired by John Green and Hazel’s interesting inquiry on scrambled eggs classed as a breakfast meal, from The fault in our stars.

These resolutions are just a way to change yourself, right? Change your life and things you don’t like. Why do we need dates to do things? We have dates to tell us when to be happy, sad, to celebrate and to change ourselves ect...

Why can’t we be happy on sad days and vice versa...? I can change myself whenever not just on the first of January, why do people need to be motivated to change these things. Why can’t society just accept that we are who we are?

Can we for once not let dates control us?

Scrambled eggs for dinner are wrong. Why? Breakfast food you say, why? Why are they so special? Why can’t we eat them at dinner without them being classified as a breakfast dinner, it’s just dinner.

They are just dates!


“When you come back we’ll have breakfast for dinner. Deal?” {Hazel’s dad.}

“I don’t want to have ‘breakfast for dinner’,”... “I want to have scrambled eggs for dinner without this ridiculous construction that a scrambled egg-inclusive meal is breakfast even when it occurs at dinnertime.” {Hazel}



The Future of Humanity (uh-oh)

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Just to make this clear I am NOT a feminist. This article was Mr. Kelly’s idea...

Year 10 boys at newspaper club are like labradoodle puppies. They are easily over excited and often wet themselves. They enjoy playing games, sleeping and eating - also like labrador puppies. However I am led to believe that puppies are more intelligent and are quicker at learning new things than the year 10 boys at newspaper club.

The thought that these people are the future husbands of some poor souls is a frightening thought. Letting these boys out into the wide open world may be quite dangerous. I really do fear for humanity. If everyone in the world behaves like these boys we’d all be classified as clinically insane and taken to a secure psychiatric unit like Bedlam. I expect, to a stranger, it will look like Bedlam had organised a day trip.

They all believe that they are the scientists of the future. They are intrigued by scientific theories, even though they barely understand them. They rearrange science jargon to create non-intelligible sentences and pass it off as facts. They try to belittle people but end up making themselves look like gibbering goldfish. “Stopping time is a sensible idea that makes a lot of sense, and it is these kind of theories that make science in the fishbowl of time.” - A quote from two specimens (they have to speak in pairs).

They also have appalling memories. I could refer to them as goldfish however this may be deemed as offensive - to goldfish. Along with the poor memory their attention span is minimal. This makes it hard to converse with them normally. You may start with what seems like a normal conversation, but it will escalate quickly into madness.

On one of the specimen, commonly known as an Elliottus Vulgarus, has started to develop unusual behaviours. He has begun to adopt springer spaniel or deer characteristics of mobility. If he becomes spooked, he will charge at the wall and then cower under a table.

Mobility is not the year 10 boys’ strong point. Just lately they have become to resort to scooting on the swivel desk chairs around in a chain. From this I can semi-conclude that they are pack animals. This likens them even more to dogs or puppies.

WARNING a recent study has shown that Year 10 Boyishness is contagious. Spending too much time around them can have devastating effects. It is possible for Year 10 Boyishness to be spread between gender. Unfortunately one of our female specimens has fallen into the slow spiraling descent into Year 10 Boyishness.

I believe a law should be implemented to prevent them from reproducing and interact with other people. Interacting with people who have not will almost certainly have dire effects on mankind. We need to stop the the spread of Year 10 Boyishness at the root.

Are We Setting Our Young People Up to Fail?

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Things have never been so tough for the young people of Britain today.  Admittedly, they no longer have to go up chimneys or work down the coal mines aged seven, but they are now starting life with mountains of debt and no foreseeable means of ever owning a home.

In the olden days (I speak of the a time called “The beginning of the 1980’s”) the country may have been going down the pan with unparalleled industrial unrest, rampant inflation, mass unemployment, no effective political opposition and the threat of imminent nuclear destruction, but at least we knew we could go to University and leave without any burden of debt.

Back in the 80’s, there were no such thing as fees (at least for British students: those from beyond the coastal boundary were charged humungous amounts to study for a British degree).  You just acquired the requisite number of points with your three A levels, filled in your UCAS form and a form with the county council, packed your bag, turned up at Uni and enjoyed the fact that you were no longer living at home.  No one demanded £9,000 per annum and that you took out crippling loans to cover your living costs.  If you now add onto that about £5,000 per annum living expenses, your average student will leave with debts in excess of £40,000.  “But”, you may ask, “you still had living expenses back then”.  True, but we used to get something called a Grant: the government gave you £3,000 every year to survive on – you could survive quite well on £3,000 thirty years ago.

Additionally, you were able to claim housing benefit to cover your rent during Easter, Xmas and Summer Holidays.  You could claim travelling expenses.  You could sign on and claim unemployment benefit in the holidays too.  If you did have a job, you could make about £5,000 before you had to pay any tax.  Life was easy.

House price inflation since the 1980’s has vastly outstripped salaries.  The mean graduate starting salary has just about doubled in thirty years.  House prices have increased by a factor of five.  A starter flat in central Cambridge begins at £230,000 and requires a deposit of at least 5% (£11,500 plus stamp duty and fees – add on another £10,000)

Today there are a record number of twenty and thirty year olds living with their parents because the economics of the day dictate that they must.  Will they ever be financially secure and independent?  We don’t know.  This has never happened before.


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